I could write a whole other post, and probably will at some point, on all of the ways that my personality is weird and contradictory. But today: the social anxiety.
I am seemingly an outgoing person. I’m not sure anyone who has ever met me would ever say that I was shy. I am quick to introduce myself to people, especially in school or work functions, I give a great handshake, I look people in the eye, and I do my best at banter.
But I’m also a social hermit. It is seriously an effort for me to ever convince myself to go out if there is going to be more than one other person there. I hate doing things in groups. It makes me uncomfortable and feel awkward. (even though when I do force myself to do it I don’t act uncomfortable or awkward).
So when B’s roommate’s gf (who I have not met) started planning a weekend getaway at a cabin for 10-15 that would include drinking, games, and hottubs? most people in the 20s would’ve been immediately on-board.
Me? My first reaction is “oh crap. So many people. TRAPPED IN A CABIN. for 48 HOURS. What if its weird? What if it’s awkward? What if it’s horrible and we can’t leave because then they’d know we left because I was feeling weird and then they’d hate me and then they’d never want to hang out with us and B would be mad and it would be horrible!”
I am trying to talk myself into it. Logically, I know that this should be fun. That I would probably get some time to read a book and play card games and meet some new people and maybe even sneak off for some nature-y pictures.
But the other side of me is saying:
1- I can’t take Stewie. Poor Stewie abandoned! He’ll hate me forever if I leave him for the weekend!
2- There is only 3 bedrooms, what if we have to sleep on the floor? That would be so weird. And cold. And AWKWARD
3- No internet access? What if there is a work emergency? I can’t be UNREACHABLE
4- What if instead of a fun relaxed weekend with alcohol it turns into a crazy immature keg party with nekkidness and insanity. I’m done for nekkidness. (Soooo not my scene. Crazy drunk people make me uncomfortable because I am never one of them and I think they’re ANNOYING.)
p.s. about the hot tub? I hate them. They make me nauseous. I know that’s weird. But it is what it is. And also? Me in a swim suit in front of ppl I dont know. So not going to happen. Enter cue for more awkwardness when everyone else is in the hot tub all OMG WHY WONT YOU COME IN THE HOT TUB YOU’RE SO WEIRD COME TO THE HOT TUB RIGHT NOW.