Thoughts on weight, hormones, and will power.

I used to talk more on the blog about my never-ending struggles to lose weight. Then I got annoyed with myself and all the talking and the not-enough-action and just stopped. Which doesn’t mean I stopped trying. Well, sometimes I stopped trying. Then I’d try again for a while. Up and down, as always. 

And the main issue for me is that I have no will power. I know exactly what I SHOULD do. I understand nutrition and carbs and sugar and cardio and the benefits of strength training. It’s just that when it comes to the actually doing it all, I feel very “meh” about it, mostly. Especially the food part, because I really like food that is horrible for me. My natural inclination is to eat all the things (and a lot of them) and not move much. And I seem to be the sort of person who looks at a donut and gains weight, my body cuts me no slack. Which is really no excuse for the lack of doing-the-right-stuff… except…

A weird thing has happened. And I hesitated to write it here, because its one of those things that I’d sort of hate a person for if that person wasn’t me. But I think it’s important to my larger point so.. 

When I got pregnant my body started…. working. At first I thought it was just the nausea, but now at almost 2 months post nausea it seems to be just my pregnant self. I don’t crave so much bad stuff. I don’t want sweets every day, and if I do, I want 2 cookies, not 10. I don’t want to eat so much grease. I actually want to eat produce, every day. My pregnancy app says I should have “the appetite of a trucker” right now but I want to eat less now than I ever did before because I just get full faster. I’m thinking about food less and eating whatever I feel like and I’m losing weight. At 21 weeks pregnant I weigh 5 lbs less than I did the day I found out I was pregnant. And since I’m carrying around at least a couple extra pounds of baby, fluid, blood (you gain 40% blood volume by the end of your pregnancy) and extra boob-age… that means I’ve actually probably lost 10+ lbs of fat in the last several months. For the first time in my entire life, with absolutely no effort whatsoever on my part. 

And I’m grateful. I’m so grateful because I started this pregnancy overweight and it’s more important than ever that I do what I can weight-wise to keep me and the baby healthy. I’m only supposed to gain net 10lbs this whole pregnancy, so making it this far still under my BFP weight is an amazing gift. 

But. 

I’m also sort of pissed. On the way home from my 20 week appointment, I was in the car with B commenting on how I was surprised I’d made it this far and still under my start weight and without thinking I said “it’s like my body is just making me do and eat exactly what it needs without my having to try……… for the first time ever.” And then it hit me that this must be what it is like for people who are thin without trying. It isn’t that they can eat a ton of shit without ever gaining weight (usually). It’s that their natural inclination towards what to eat leads them to being thin. And I’m the same person that I was 5 months ago, the only thing that is different? My hormones. Which makes me feel like something about my hormones and/or body chemistry has me programmed to want to eat inappropriate amounts of the worst possible stuff all the time. And it sucks. Because I feel like maybe my issue isn’t solely that I have less will power than all the thin people walking around.

Maybe my biggest issue is that my default settings suck. Which makes it sort of worse if I can’t just blame myself for my weight problems– but realize that maybe I have a harder time than other people. Because realizing this doesn’t actually fix any portion of this problem– I still need to GET the will power to get myself healthier regardless of my natural inclinations. And I’m certain that this current influx of awesomely easy weight management is fleeting and will probably end any time now. 

Regardless, realizing all of this is really neither here nor there because it changes nothing. And I know that everyone has their own set of personal strengths and struggles. One of my never-ending struggles is managing my weight, but people who don’t have that struggle I’m sure have their own issues that I don’t have to fight against. But still, it has been an interesting journey getting to see the other side of the coin for a few months here. I can only hope that it keeps up long enough that I don’t have to rely on too much will power for the rest of my pregnancy. Because I can’t imagine, as I near the end of pregnancy and am getting really uncomfortable and cranky, will power is going to be easy to come by!

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